Even Cupid Gets Drunk
by Suzuki Ai
Summary: What happens when you mix two single,lonely,drunk people in a bar,and a drunk author? Let's just say even Cupid screws up sometimes. AU,AH. Rated M for lemons. Happy belated V-day!


Hi there people! Here's my first twilight oneshot and I'm pretty excited. I recently tried out for the countdown "Countdown To Valentine's Day 2012 Risquet VDay!" and here's my oneshot that was in there. The countdown is pretty amazigng and alredy finished,but you should read it anyways! I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did XD

xoxoxoxo

The drive was silent for a few minutes. How do these people deal with having to look at all these neon signs all the time? I wouldn't be surprised if I have permanent damage to my eyes. Plus, I've been driving around for a good five hours and still no drive thru wedding chapels; this is Las Vegas God dammit! Aren't they supposed to have one at like every corner like McDonalds or something?

As we pass by yet_ another_ casino, I spot a sign saying "Tunnel of Love Drive Thru".

Bingo!

As we approach the chapel, I can hear Edward say "About time." I can't agree more with him. I just really want to get this experience over with and get to the best part; the hot, honeymoon sex.

When we stop in front of the chapel, I am surprised to see it looks like a drive thru where you order food. There is even a menu to get different things you want. I resist the urge to say something stupid like "Can I have a Big Mac, please?"

"Hello there, I am Pastor Michael. Are you two the next love birds to be united in Holy Matrimony?" An old man who looks to be in his mid sixties comes up to us from behind the window. I am about to say "No shit." when Edward quickly covers my mouth, as if he knows what I am going to say.

He's so going to pay for that later.

"Yes we are, Pastor Michael. We would appreciate it greatly if you did the honors of marrying me and my..._fiancé_." Edward pauses for a moment, as if trying to figure out how to explain what we are doing to Michael so we don't look crazy. I don't blame him. We are two half drunk, lonely people who decided to get married because of how lonely we are. I'd say it was a smart move just going with fiancé.

Father Michael grins widely, seeming that he is please that he is going to help marry two people who are in love.

If only he knew how wrong he is.

"Okay, I'm going to need to see your license then."

Thank God I thought ahead and got the license before searching five hours for a decent drive thru. I take out the little piece of paper and pass it to Edward to pass it to the old guy for me.

I'm just that lazy.

As Michael takes the paper, he looks at it closely for a couple of seconds. I bet he's probably seeing if it's legit or not. Who would make a fake wedding license anyways? Then again, this _is _Las Vegas. I am sure cheapskates in the past made fake ones just so they didn't have to spend $55.

Idiots.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen and Isabella Marie Swan, correct?"

"Yeah." I stop myself from correcting him to say Bella. In weddings, you have to use your full names, right? It'd be really annoying if I get married as Bella and find out we aren't actully married properly.

This trip would then be a waste of gas and a good $55 I could've used to buy something stupid.

"Okay, we can now begin."

We're finally getting somewhere! I look over to Edward, and he looks like he is bored out of his mind and just wants this to be over already.

I guess horny minds think alike.

"Do you, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen take Isabella Marie Swan as your lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until you both shall live?"

"I do."

"Do you, Isabella Marie Swan take Edward Anthony Masen Cullen as your-"

"Hell yeah!" I'm sorry Father but I'm impatient, honry, and I just want to get this over with. That way we can head to the hotel and I can get ravish by Edward.

Just looking at the sex god makes my body scream to get touch.

I must've said that out loud or something because both Edward and Michael is glaring at me. Oh yeah, I said the word hell. Isn't that taboo in church like cursing?

Oh shit.

"I mean...I do."

Michael stops glaring at me after a couple of seconds and lets out a sigh. I could've sworn I heard him mutter "Lord, help this child."

"You may now exchange the rings"

I took out the small, cheap sliver band and slip the band on his finger. I immediately feel bad when I see the diamond ring he takes out. I can't believe he buys me, a stranger that he knew for not even a day, something that must've cost a few thousand dollars, while I buy him some cheap, $50 ring.

He's so getting the best blow job of his life later.

"With the power invested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. You may now kiss the bride."

That was all it takes for me to glomp that sex god. Our lips touch and it felt as if fire is being ignited all over my body. As he deepens the kiss, his tongue touches mine and I feel heat began to go down to my lower regions. As those long, slender fingers go lower, I imagine all the dirty things he could do to my-

"Excuse me."

Oh yeah, we're in front of a church having sex with our clothing on.

I'm so going to hell.

"I'm so sorry, Pastor Michael. I guess you could say we... got caught up in the heat of the moment." Of course Edward can use his charms to get us out of any situation.

What would I do without my sex god?

"It's quite alright. Me and my wife are exactly the same. We couldn't keep our hands off each other either." 150 years ago I bet.

What? Just saying.

"Thank you so much for helping us Pastor Michael. We'd love to stay and chat, but we have to head off to our honeymoon now."

Translation: Sorry old dude, but we have to go to the cheap hotel room we rent so me and my wife can go fuck like rabbits.

Ha.

I almost feel bad when I see how his face drop at the mention of Edward leaving.

Creepy old dude.

"Okay. I hope you two newlyweds head to where ever you're going safely and enjoy your honeymoon. God bless you."

"God bless you too. Have a good night."

I take that as our cue to get the fuck out of here and begin to start the car. I slam my foot and had this car going as fast as I could, following the GPS to our hotel.

Hey, don't look at me like that; I'm horny, okay?

Speaking of horny, I kind of can't believe how today's events turned out. I didn't think in just a few short hours, I will be married to a sex god and about to have the best sex in my life.

_xoxoxo_

_"UGH! I have Valentine's Day! It doesn't make any sense to have a holiday that you can only enjoy if you're not single! I mean come on! That just make us singles feel like shit." I drank my shot in one go after finishing my rant. I welcomed the burn that it left. _

_Screw Valentine's Day._

_Single Awareness Day all the way._

_"I agree with you completely. I mean, why make a holiday that only certain people can enjoy?" A husky voice said. I quickly turned around to find the source of where the voice came from and came face to face with a sex god._

_Holy shit._

_He had what I could only describe as sex hair. His hair was a bronze color and was all over the place, giving off the look that he just finished plowing a girl. _

_I bet he probably did._

_But what caught my eye was the color of his eyes. They were so green, almost as if I were staring into a forest. I bet not even Crayola had that shade of green._

_Everything about him just oozed sex. From his "I just had sex hair" to his muscular arms, and a six pack I bet he was hiding under that shirt._

_I glanced down to his pants and I just knew at the moment,_

_He must be hiding a dick that has all girls swoon over just by its presence._

_I'm swooned just by the thought of it._

_I must've been staring for too long because I then heard the must sexiest chuckle ever._

_I looked up quickly and our eyes locked. I felt my face heat up when I saw his smirk. He knew I was staring. I hope I wasn't drooling, that would've just been embarrassing._

_I quickly dabbed at the side of my mouth just in case. All clear._

_"And I understand how people say it's more to appreciate the only you love like your friends and family, but when you're surrounded by couples everywhere proposing, going to dinner, confessing their devotion to each other, it's hard not to feel left out." I couldn't have agreed more with him. It was almost as if he could read my mind._

_"So from your rant, I'm assuming you're single as well?" As well? As in this sex god is single too? Any girl who doesn't want to go out with him has to be out of their mind. That means I have a chance then. _

_Jack pot!_

_"Yeah, I've been single for a good 2 years already." I admitted with shame. That means I haven't gotten any in 2 years either. Yeah, I don't know how I can go so long without sex either_

_Then again, I'm not really into the whole meeting some random guy, having a one night stand, then find out a few weeks later that guy gave you some STD you never heard of._

_"I don't understand why. Any man who doesn't want to go out with a beautiful lady such as you must be blind." I felt my face heat up. Did this sex god just compliment me? Crap Bella, show some manners!_

_"Thank you..." I trailed off, just now realizing I didn't know his name._

_"Edward." He gave me what could only be described as a crooked smile. As cliché as it sounds, that smile took my breath away._

_Crap, I'm turning into one of those mushy, love sick girls now that falls in love with just looking at a guy._

_...Nah._

_I knew that stuff was pure bull when I was kid, so why start believing in it now?_

_"And what is your name?" I felt like slapping myself. Idiot! How could I forget to tell him my name?_

_"Isabella. But I prefer Bella." _

_"Bella you say? That is the perfect name for a beauty such as you." And to top it off, he did the most cliché thing ever; he took my hand and kissed it! _

_My face heated up to whole another shade of red at that is wrong with me; I keep blushing like I'm some freakn' school girl who just got to talk to her crush!_

_"And I love that lovely shade of red your cheek keeps turning." And he had the nerve to laugh at me! Ugh!_

_"You know, if you hate being alone so much on this holiday, how about we change that?" Say what?_

_"How do you suppose we do that?" I gave him my full attention. I hope he was talking about what I think he is._

_"Vegas is just a couple of hours drive away. How about me and you drive to there, get hitched, and never have to spend another Valentine's Day alone?" _

_._

_.._

_..._

_Say what?_

_I would've laughed in his face and tell him fuck off if he was any other guy, but I couldn't. To tell you the truth, I felt some weird kind of attraction to him; almost as if there was some force pulling me closer to him. Something tells me he feels this feeling too. And I got to admit, something is different about him. And I'm just so tired of going to sleep alone at night, having to listen to all my friends talk about their boyfriends and getting married on a daily basis while I'm all alone._

_I know I barely know him. Heck, I just met him, and this whole idea just seems crazy. Marrying some guy I met 20 minutes ago just went out of my comfort zone, and to tell you the truth, I'm tired of playing it safe._

_As my friend Alice says, it's time to live a little._

_"I'll do it."_

xoxoxo

"Watch out for the road! I know I said I like driving fast, but at least I pay attention to the road!" Edward shouts. Crap, barely miss that bus there.

I'm going to have to stop spacing out while I drive.

"Calm down, I have everything under control." I then slam my foot on the breaks, causing the car to abruptly stop and for the airbags to come out.

I'm really bad at driving.

"Never...letting...you...drive...ever...again." Edward mutters over the airbag in his face. Hey, I didn't blame him; if I were him, I wouldn't let me drive either.

"At least we're here already." I got out the car and slam the door shut. I walked up the hotel, hearing Edward coming in right behind me.

We walk up to the check in desk and tap that stupid little bell to get the attention of the blonde behind the desk. She looks up at us and immediately starts to ogle Edward.

I know Edward is sexy and everything, but can't she see he's with another _girl _going to a _hotel_? I resist the urge to hiss and shout "Mine!", but that wasn't going to look attractive to Edward and get the girls some love.

"How may I help you?" She starts batting her eyelashes like there was something caught it them. Why do girls even do that? Don't they realize how stupid they look when they do that?

"We have reservations here under Cullen." He puts his arm around my shoulder and just in case she didn't get the hint, kisses me on the cheek.

Ha!

The dumb blonde whose name tag reads "Lauren" face immediately falls."Of course you guys are. Give me one second."

Lauren types in her computer for a moment and gives us a key. "You're in room 518. Enjoy your stay." I could've sworn it sounds like she was hissing.

We walk up to the elevator and press the button for the fifth floor. I hope this elevator doesn't stop at every floor before we get to ours; that's just plain annoying sometimes.

Thankfully we get to our floor without any distractions and start to look for room 518. When we got to it, Edward unlocks the door and holds open for me.

"Thanks." I said kind of awkwardly. Knowing this man for a good...10 hours still hasn't gotten me use to his manners; Men just don't hold doors open for me or kiss my hand without other motives in Forks.

Before I even have a chance to properly look over the room, I hear a slam, my body is suddenly pushed against a wall, and Edward's lips are on mine, all in one motion.

Wait what?

After finally realizing what happen, I visibly relax and begin to kiss Edward. As he deepens the kiss, our hands start to work on removing our clothing Buttons are being popped, skin being reveal, and I'm pretty sure I even heard a ripping sound.

I gasp when our skin touches; the feeling was almost indescribable. His hands are leaving a trail of Goosebumps where he touches me. My body feels as if he there was a fire within me and I'm close to screaming out to be touch everywhere. He nibbles, rubs, and I don't know how much longer my body can take this teasing.

I let out a yelp when Edward picks me up and starts walking towards the bed. He gently put me on the bed and quickly got on top of me. Our mouths quickly found each other again and there was a small snap sound as my bra clasp came undone and his mouth left mine. I was about to ask what happen when he started to suck my nipple.

"Edward!" I moan as he switches from sucking to biting, not caring about the marks that he was surely leaving. I could feel my body get hotter and hotter, wanting him to just stop all the foreplay and put that magical mouth where I was frustrated the most.

He begins to trail kisses up and down my body, getting more frustrated by the second. He stops right in front of where I want him to be the most, and I gasp as he kissed me through my panties.

The said panties soon came off, leaving me expose and slightly self conscious. It's been months since a man last touches me and I was scared at the thought of Edward not finding me attractive.

"AH!" Edward then began to put that talented tongue to use.

Oh my fucking god.

The feeling is pure ecstasy. I gasp out when his teeth decide to show my clit some love. As his fingers joined in, I could feel my walls begin to tighten and I knew my orgasm is near. I tried my best to hold it back as long as I could; I didn't want this to ever end.

Edward notices this and just wasn't going to have that. "Come for me Bella. I want you to let it all out while you scream out my name and I taste those lovely juices of yours." Dirty talking Edward is probably the sexiest thing I've ever heard.

He didn't stop there, talking about how he will pound into me and I'll scream his name all night to let everybody know I am his. I couldn't take it anymore and finally came undone.

Best orgasm ever.

As I caught my breath, Edward is eye level with me and I blush slightly when I see white stuff on his lips. He gently kissed me and I moan out as I taste myself on his lips. Something about that is just so erotic.

I feel fabric rubbing against me and I realized his boxers were still on and I just wasn't pleased with that. My fingers hook around the elastic and pull them off. When I look down, I almost had an orgasm just by looking at how big he was.

Guess I'm right about him having a big dick then.

I roll us over so that I could straddle him and Edward looks up at me with confusion. "Wait, I want to try something." I hope that sounds as sexy as I want it to.

He smirks up at me when he realizes what I want to do. I go down on him and come face to face to what looks like the best cock in the world. I won't be surprised if I was drooling.

I gently take him in my hand and I hear Edward let out a hiss. I kiss the tip and begin to take him in my mouth; what I couldn't fit in my mouth went into my hand. I let out a hum that vibrate around him and start bobbing my head, my hand moving in the same rhythm.

My other hand begins to play with his balls and what kept encouraging me is the erotic sounds coming from Edward's mouth. His hands go to my shoulders and gently push me off of him. I immediately begin to panic. Did I do something wrong? Am reading the signs wrong?

I look up to him and as if he can read my mind, he grins and says "No, Bella you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, that is the best blow job I ever got. It's just I don't t want to fuck your mouth, but you're tight pussy."

I can't really argue with that.

I climb up face level to Edward and our lips lock. He flips us over and I can feel heat pooling between my legs from feeling him dick so close to where I want him the most.

He begins to penetrate me, going in slow at first. I could feel my eyes roll into the back of my head from feeling him inside me. He was way bigger than any of my toys and I've never felt this fill up before.

When he is fully in me, we both moan out. The feeling is just amazing. He pulls out almost completely and slams himself back in.

"Ah!" He repeating this rhythm over again a few times, before we both decide it was time to go a little faster. Edward begins to go faster and I'm meeting him halfway; the feeling is amazing. The sounds that filled the room were our moans and pants.

I can feel my orgasm near, and I know Edward's is too. "Edward...I...almost...Ah!" I couldn't even form coherent words from how overwhelming this felt.

"I know come for me, all over my dick." And of course, dirty talking Edward is once again my undoing. My walls clench around him as I climax, causing him to go over the edge as well.

Best sex ever.

Edward collapses next to me on the bed. Our bodies are both sweaty and letting out pants. I feel Edward go closer to me and kiss my forehead.

"Best drunken decision I've ever made." That causes me to grin. I couldn't have agree more.

"Yeah."

xoxoxo

"Who could be calling me at freakn' 8 in the morning?" Chief Swan grumbles. Saturdays to him included sleeping in, watching the game, and going out for some late fishing with his pals at the station.

He wants to dam the person to hell who dares to interrupt his sleep. Not to mention it was a late shift he had to work at the station last night.

"Who is it?" No one who takes Chief Swan from his beauty sleep deservers to be greet kindly. At least not in his eyes.

"_Hello! I'd like to congratulate the newlyweds Isabella and Edward. How are those two doing?"_

.

..

…

"BELLAAAAAAA!"


End file.
